Fruition Road Trip

I knew that if I allowed fear to overtake me, my journey was doomed. Fear, to a great extent, is born of a story we tell ourselves, and so I chose to tell myself a different story from the one women are told. I decided I was safe. I was strong. I was brave. Nothing could vanquish me.
— Cheryl Strayed
Photo by  @KeithFine

Photo by @KeithFine

It often seems like the life altering decisions that I make in life somehow just... happen. Its not that I’m not actively making choices, but I often find myself asking, how did I get here?

That seems to be how my summer is going to be. Continuous moments of, "how did I get here?" I don’t know the exact moment I decided I was going to ask for a leave of absence from work, to live out of my car for a month while on the road. I just know that after a month of planning and working around schedules, I had the affirmation from HR and my boss and that was it. Now it was happening.

And right off the bat, everything became stressful. Despite the opportunity to do something that I have been l.i.t.e.r.a.l.l.y been dreaming about for the last three years. I became paralyzed by the fear of it all. What if my car breaks down? What if I’m stranded somewhere and I can’t get help? What if I can’t find a place to sleep? How do I fit everything I want for a month into a tiny <30 square foot SUV? How am I going to not spend thousands of dollars preparing for this? 

I knew that deep down I was distracting myself with all of these “burdening” questions because of what I was really afraid of. What if I can’t do it?

But there is one thing I have learned of myself over the last year, and that is that while there may be a thousand reasons why I shouldn’t do this, there is one reason why I should. Because I’m afraid to.